A Miracle, Our Silver Lining

A miracle has joined our family.  A miracle we thought never possible.  

This story began nearly 7 years ago.

In 2012 I had a dream where Isaac and Millie came to me and asked where their baby sibling was.  It was real and vivid to me. Millie was just a baby at the time.  I felt since then that there was another child waiting to be in our family.

In December 2013 Clark and I decided to pray about whether it was time for us to have another baby.  We were in the temple and we got the impression that, “No, not yet. Figure out your health concerns first.” That was our answer, and a few months later I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  I nearly forgot my dream as I went through months of figuring out what was going on, 6 months of treatment followed by several years of intense anxiety. During this time I had another dream where a little child came to me and said, “Mom, don’t forget about me.”  I wondered how it was possible. I feared the possibility. I didn’t think because of the chemo that I could have another baby. I was getting older and I had so much anxiety. I worried that the chemo made it so that I couldn’t have a healthy baby and that I couldn’t be healthy enough to have or care for another child.

I think it was 2017 when our family visited the new MTC in Provo, Utah.  As we looked back at our pictures from the trip there was one that someone took for us.  It ended up being a video rather than a still shot and in the picture a little child ran up and held Clark's leg and then ran out of the picture.  Clark didn’t remember it happening, but as we watched, it took our breath away. Still my anxiety raged….

On several occasions, Isaac has mentioned to us that he just didn’t feel like everyone in our family was here yet.  Especially as we were waiting for everyone to gather for family prayer.

October 2018 General Conference there was a talk by Elder Rasband on Fear.  Be Not TroubledRonald A. Rasband  It spoke first to Clark's heart and then to mine as I prayed about it. We decided to visit with doctors to get their advice and opinions.  Both the OB and the Hematologist felt like there would be no problem with having another baby, other than the fact that I am getting older!  So we prayed and felt like it was right.

This pregnancy has been my best.  I’ve been healthy and remained active.  We feel beyond blessed.

At times I still struggle with anxiety about the unknown, about our future, about my health.  But we move forward with Faith, knowing that our lives are in our Heavenly Father's Hands. He loves us, and knows what's best for us. We just need to trust in that truth. Many times we don't understand, but we show our faith in Him as we act and take one step at a time on His path for us.  

Again....I choose Faith.  

Welcome to this Beautiful World little Dana Barbara Funk
*October 9, 2019 5:11pm
*7lb 14 oz
*20.5 in.

 *Her siblings adore her!

 *She's named after her beloved Aunt Dana and Great Grandma Barbara Hawkes.

A Memory in our Book

At Utah State I minored in Parks and Recreation.  If I learned one thing from that it was, "Leave No Trace".  The doctor called and the scans all revealed that my body had indeed and thankfully learned that lesson, the cancer left no trace!!

Feeling so grateful for my Heavenly Father, for granting me my one desire.  To be here longer to help my sweetheart raise these beautiful, energetic children.

Feeling so grateful to live in a day where we have so many wonderful medical advances.  Sometimes I feel like a cat with 9 lives.  So grateful to be alive today.  My sweet Michael came up to me the other day with the biggest hug, "Thanks for living Mom!"

I cannot thank my wonderful family, friends, neighbors and even strangers who have lovingly reached out to support and love our family enough.  It's been amazing.  We have felt surrounded by prayers, and that is a feeling I will truly miss.  It sustained us and gave us peace during a storm.

What do you say to someone who has cancer?  It was so amazing to have people simply ask how we were doing (not just me, but my whole family.  Cancer is a family affair).  I loved receiving simple texts saying we were being thought of or prayed for.  Nothing big, but it was BIG to us.  Thank you for teaching my family how to serve.

#8 With Mom

#9 With my Sister in Law, Lanay with Loni and Mom 

#10 with Clark, Loni and Michael

#11 with Karen Garbe

#12 My last Treatment Day we Celebrated.  My kiddos made this cute card for the staff at Utah Hematology Oncology.  They were wonderful to us.

Clark came with me

We brought Raspberry Rolls from the Old Grist Mill for the staff at Utah Hematology Oncology

And yes, Clark does look way better in my wig than I do!

What I hope my kids learned

Having cancer is not really a personal experience, it's a family affair!  I can't speak for my kids, but through this experience I do hope that they learned something.

They have watched the loving service so freely given by our family, friends, neighbors and even strangers.  I hope they remember that service that made our lives better and more freely give when they see suffering around them.

I think this experience has given them perspective, I hope that they will be brave to talk to people when they see suffering and not shy away from it.  They know how it feels when a family member is sick and they can be sensitive to feelings.

That mom is still mom even if her hair is gone.  While it was a little bit of a challenge getting used to the new appearance, they have all been so sensitive to my feelings.  When they see others with this similar challenge I hope that they can continue to be sensitive.

We can do hard things!  And we can be happy while we are doing them.  While we might not enjoy our circumstances we can still be grateful and happy.

They have learned about more household chores and skills, they are so much more capable than I gave them credit for before.

A new perspective

Every year I am so sad to send my kids off to school, especially Kindergarten and first grade.  It just is one more reminder that they are growing up so very fast.  This year, as Ike approaches his First grade year I feel like I have a new perspective.  I am just so very grateful to be alive and to be here for the next milestone in my children's lives.

My Mom asked me the other day, "Don't you just dread all that laundry?"  As I thought about it, no, I don't dread laundry or other tasks.  I am so grateful that I have days when I feel well enough to do those things for my family.  

I am so happy that I am around to potty train Millie, see Loni go to 6th grade, take Ike to first grade, to cook dinners, do laundry, listen to friend drama, wake up in the night with the kids nightmares or fevers, appointments, etc.

So grateful to be here!  This experience has taught me to slow down and enjoy the moments, to focus on today.  If you only focus on the end, you'll never find happiness in the journey.

What I loved about my cancer experience

Is that okay to write those two words in the same sentence, Love and Cancer?  While I would not have picked this experience, I would not go back and change it.  I have learned so very much through this experience that I would not change.

1.  The goodness and generosity of others.

2.  That you can find Peace amid a storm when you stay positive, grateful and close to the Lord.

3.  I can be happy in sickness.

4.  I can do hard things, my kids can do hard things!

5.  I can love who I am deeper than appearance.

6.  A bath and a nap can do wonders for health and happiness.

7.  Our Heavenly Father understands our situations and stands ready to help us.

8.  Our bodies are amazing, and it's incredible what we can endure, get used to and live through.

9.  I have grown closer to the Lord and have had many experiences where I have felt His loving presence.

10.  Loni can make dinner all by herself!

11.  I have learned to ask for help, to accept help.

12.  I have learned to be grateful for each day and small tasks that I have energy for and am capable of doing.

13.  Learned to be okay with simply doing the things that matter most, like being with my kids more than having a clean house.

14.  I appreciate the days that I feel well.

15.  Somehow the things I used to worry about seem so small and so unimportant.

16.  I believe that I am more sensitive to the suffering of others, and have a stronger desire to reach out.

I could go on and on.  While I am grateful that this experience is becoming a memory in my book, I hope that I can keep these lessons in my heart.

An Adventure in Gratitude

If everything always turned out the way we planned, where would the adventure be?  Our own plans are perfect, predictable, happy. If life was always that way, could we learn to be happy with the unexpected, with the unpleasant and imperfect?  No way, and that's why life doesn't always go as planned.

Is there ever a good time for Mom to be sick?  Really?  Kids still need to eat breakfast, go to school, be run to activities.  They still need to be reminded and disciplined and loved.  There is never a good time to be sick, so why not now?  As I've thought about having cancer at this time in my life I've come to the conclusion that maybe right now is the perfect time to have it.  I have 5 beautiful reasons to get out of bed each morning.  I have 5 beautiful reasons to forget myself and go to work.  

"We sometimes think that being grateful is what we do after our problems are solved, but how terribly shortsighted that is.  How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow before thanking God that there is rain?"

President Uchtdorf

I can't afford to wait for cancer to be gone to enjoy being a mother.  I can't afford to wait for cancer to be gone to love my husband.  I can't afford to wait for cancer to be over to be happy, to enjoy my summer, to read a book, work on my hobby.  My kids are growing up way too fast, I can't afford to wait until cancer's over to enjoy my kiddos.  I want to be their mother and cancer has reminded me how fragile life is.  How important it is to enjoy the moment.  

"Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."

Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley

I loved President Uchtdorf's talk in the last General Conference, "Grateful in Any Circumstances"  He reminds us in a beautiful way the importance of being grateful.  "It might sound contrary to the wisdom of the world to suggest that one who is burdened with sorrow should give thanks to God.  But those who set aside the bottle of bitterness and lift instead the goblet of gratitude can find a purifying drink of healing, peace and understanding."  He suggests that being grateful for blessings is important, but we should not make gratitude contingent on that.  Gratitude should be an overall spirit or attitude.  "I don't believe that the Lord expects us to be less thankful in times of trial than in times of abundance and ease."

"Being grateful in times of distress does not mean that we are pleased with our circumstances.  It does mean that through the eyes of faith we look beyond our present-day challenges.  This is not a gratitude of the lips, but of the soul."

"True gratitude is an expression of hope and testimony.  Being grateful in our circumstances is an act of faith in God."

Even when days are hard, we can look at our lives and find things to be grateful for.  We can't afford to wait for life to be perfect to be grateful.  Life will never be perfect, and we would never feel grateful.

Today I am grateful for:
1.  My handsome and loving husband.
2.  My 4 beautiful and healthy children.  For their energy, their hugs and their NAP time!
3.  The sunshine and my flowers.
4.  Running water and a warm shower.
5.  The Gospel of Jesus Christ.
6.  That I am HERE, I want to be their mother and his wife.  No matter the challenge that brings, I am happy that I am doing this, not someone else.
7.  That I feel well enough to do laundry, to go on a walk.

What a beautiful world it would be if we could all see the Adventure that life presents and be grateful!

What is it about Hair?

I loved my long hair, I loved my messy pony tail, I loved at night when Millie would run her hands through my hair and tell me, "pretty hairs Mommy!", I loved when Michael would comb my hair when I was having a bad day.

In December when I wasn't feeling so well I decided that if I got a hair cut I would suddenly have energy and feel "spunky" again!  So, I did it, I cut off 10 inches and felt terrific for a day or so!  Why did I give my hair so much credit?

We do that though.  When we're not having a good day, it's a bad hair day.  When we wake up grumpy, there's bed hair to blame it on, what is it with our hair?

I knew it would be hard when the hair started coming out, what I didn't realize was that it was hard for everyone else in the family too.  Loni was insistent that she didn't want a bald mom!  

So, we decided to make a party of it to help it not be so scary.  I invited my good friend and hairdresser over, Sharice and the party began.  We tried all those "awesome" hair-dos that I'm sure if I were a teenage boy I would have dreamed of having.  Steps, mohawk, mullet, shaved Clark's name in the side and even shaved it all except the bangs....  We laughed until we cried.

You know, it isn't so bad, and honestly it's not really all gone.  I looked at a poster hanging by Ike's bed the other night and realized that my hair looks a lot like a Minion head! 

The night I shaved my head, because it was coming out in handfuls, Clark sang me this country song by Randy Travis.....

They say that time takes it's toll on a body
Makes the young girls brown hair turn grey
But honey, I don't care, I ain't in love with your hair
And if it all fell out, well, I'd love you anyway

What a sweetheart, that's what I needed to hear.

Reasons I love being bald:

1.  My Dad said that I can let a shampoo bottle last for years!  Only problem is getting sick of the same scent!  Think of all the money saved on hair products!

2.  I have to be somewhere in 10 minutes, no problem, I still have time for a shower!  No more waiting for hair to dry.

3. Millie quickly learned to say, "pretty hat, pretty scarf, pretty eyes, pretty smile Mommy"  I love that.

4.  I asked Michael what he thought of his Mom being bald, he put his hand on my forehead and the other on my chin and said, "It does not matter Mom because between here and here you are still beautiful!"  I love that!

5.  A no hair day is better than a bad hair day!

6.  Save all sorts of time getting ready, just throw on a hat

7.  Love wearing a hat to church


We're all getting used to it, Loni even said the other day she didn't care if I wasn't wearing a hat all the time, as long as I wore it outside the house at all times!  That's improvement, I'll take it.  

It will grow back, it's just hair.  In the meantime I'll enjoy the benefits of a life of ease without hair, and time and money saved.  I've learned to love myself for what is inside rather than out.  My children are learning to see differences in a new light that they would not have seen otherwise.  That is a beautiful lesson.  

I'm still Lisa, hair or no hair, it's still me.  Feeling grateful I still have my lashes and eyebrows, that might have been a different story!